time

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I had one of those days today where I just didn't know what to do with myself. 

I thought many times about doing something I enjoyed, sewing, knitting, going for a walk...but just couldn't get the motivation up to do anything but a load of washing and watch some TV I'd missed during the week. When I did finally get the motivation to do something I baked a cake. A recipe I have used a number of times. For some reason the consistency was different and I couldn't figure out why, I had added all the ingredients. I decided to just leave it as it was and put it in the oven. It took ages to set and I ended up getting it out a bit earlier then I though I should. It was only when I took the cake out of the oven I realised I had put double the amount of butter...250grams instead of 125grams...bummer.

I find I'm pretty hard on myself on these sorts of days, feeling like I should(could?)be getting things done. This usually happens after a few "good" days. We had a really nice weekend. One of my sisters (and her husband) came to stay with us. It was really nice to have them here. Jek and I spent some time moving some things around in the house. My crafty space is in another area of our house now and it works so well, I have found myself going into the space a number of times just to sit and enjoy the space. It's off of our kitchen and I can see into the space when I am at the sink. In time I think I am going to enjoy creating in that space.

After Jek and Dave left we started painting our entryway and hallway so that distracted me from them leaving. It took us a couple of days. One for the undercoat and one to paint. It looks so good now. It was a dark green and it made the hall so dark. It is now antique white and it is so different and great. We are looking forward to doing a few of the other rooms too, now that we know what we are doing.

Yesterday I went and had a facial, manicure and pedicure. It was a gift from 3 of my dear friends. It was so lovely and relaxing. I am finding it more and more important to set a few tasks each day, so I'm not at a loose end...being at a loose end doesn't feel very nice at the moment.

Getting back to today...something very nice happened, Tim bought me a beautiful bunch of bright flowers. orange Gerberas, yellow daisies, red roses and a flower I don't know but it is bright and happy. He got them just because. He's so wonderful to me.

My sister in law pinned this photo a couple of days ago and I thought it to be so true and quite comforting, that it is OK that our healing takes time and I don't have to rush. Even when I am having a not so good day and the motivation is lacking, it's all part of my healing process

xx

four on the fourth

 I know for a fact this last 6 months would have been even more unbearable if Tim hadn't been by my side through it all. Cuddling me when I was bawling, a voice of reason in amongst my crazy, his understanding in our grief. Even though it sounds a bit cheesy I feel like if we can endure what we have we can face anything together...I hope we have many more years together

Happy Wedding Anniversary to my love

xxx

the days in between

To begin I'd like to say a heartfelt thank you to all your lovely comments and emails since I last posted in May, We really appreciate your kind words and prayers.

It's been a bumpy couple of months. I've thought about when I may come back to blogging...I have come here to write a post a couple of times. I even hit publish on one of them a few weeks ago but had post remorse...if that's even a thing and then reverted it to draft a few minutes later...It was about how to help parents who are grieving, what to say to them and what not to say. I think it was after a day where someone had told me they knew exactly how I was feeling, having lost Isaac...because her daughter had lost a baby...she meant well but I'm not going to go into that. It wasn't the right time to come back. I have missed writing and from time to time I would read some of my favourite blogs...but it seems like everyone was pregnant, having babies...it was too much for me...some days it's still too much.

Since I was last here, we have been trying to start healing from the loss of our Isaac. Tim had a number of weeks off work and we went on a couple of small trips close by in South Australia, it was nice to be away and to stay in our pjs and eat chocolate and chain watch big bang theory. We stayed in Adelaide for a number of weeks until we had Isaac's funeral. But we eventually had to come home. It was hard coming home to Whyalla after being in Adelaide for so many weeks, around our family. Our house felt so big and empty...and I just didn't really know what to do with myself...

I have been seeing a psychologist which has been really helpful. She suggested I set little goals for myself each day. To start off with I set goals like get up and have a shower. She also suggested for me to create something special while I grieve Isaac. I haven't chosen one big project but I have been doing small projects to pass the time. I've also been doing a lot of reading. Some days that's all I could do. I've read some fiction and some books on grief; A force of Will by Mike Stavlund, Choosing to See by Mary-Beth Chapman, and a couple of books written by Bonnie Babes and Pregnancy loss Australia. The last two have been really helpful. They give accounts of other families who have lost babies and how life is for them now. I've shed a lot of tears while reading these books but it was good to let the pain out. I've also watched and listened to programs about grief. Radio National had a program on last week about still birth...which is different to what we experienced but I resonated with a lot of what the couple being interviewed said they felt. 

We had our follow up appointment with Isaac's doctor last week and it was a bit confronting. We had an autopsy done on Isaac because we never knew what had happened to our little bambino, and we weren't sure if it could/would affect future babies. The pathologist found a number of things in the autopsy that the doctors hadn't been able to find when Isaac was in my womb. It was hard to hear all these things but it also gave us peace about making the decision to deliver him at 31 weeks. Many times over the past couple of months I have wondered did we do the right thing. And from what we were told last week, yes we did. Our little Isaac never had a chance...if we had of waited he wouldn't have had a better chance, there were too many things that had gone wrong with his development. It was hard news to hear. But the harder news is that the pathologist and the geneticist were still unsure of Isaac's condition. 

They think it may be one of 2 things. One of them is a condition called Baller-Gerold syndrome . Dr Chris ("our" geneticist) isn't 100% convinced it's Baller-Gerold but there is a gene test to see if Isaac carried the gene for this syndrome. It's a test that is done overseas and will take 2-3 months for the results. We are anxious to find out whether it is this syndrome or not because if it is, the likelihood of this happening again to future babies is 1 in 4...so now we wait...some more. If it's not Baller-Gerold then Dr Chris thinks it is something called Disorganisation Sequence (which there isn't a gene test for), which should never happen again...if it is this then what happened to Isaac was a random stroke of bad luck.

It was Isaac's due date on Friday (28th June) which was very hard..actually that's and understatement, it was a horrible day. I was all over the place. Thankfully I had booked in to see my psychologist that day. It really helped me turn my day around. (Just as a side note I am a big advocate of people seeing a psychologist or counsellor if you've experienced some sort of loss, or are finding it hard to deal with life...if really helps talking things through with a professional who won't give you crappy token advice). It feels like getting through that day was a big step in our grief process. I do still feel very numb to life...the pain is still there but it's changed somehow...it's hard to explain. We are having more "good days" but grief is a funny thing and it can catch up with you when you least expect it. 

I'm not sure what Lozalicious is going to be in the future, I may even start a new blog to talk about my grief of lossing Isaac, and I don't know how often I'll be here but I hope I'll find enjoyment in blogging again like I used to...and I look forward to visiting all your corners of the net again too 

xxx

(the beautiful flowers are ones we received after Isaac was born)

Isaac Elliott

We came down to Adelaide on the Monday 15th April for Tim to attend a couple of conferences. We also had a few appointments to attend for bambino while we were here. On Wednesday 16th we had a check up ultra sound and our bambino's head had reached full term size (when the rest of him was at 30 weeks) This was due to the fluid on his brain not being able to drain. Our anxiety levels got pretty high that afternoon while we watched the screen and talked with our Doctor afterwards. 

The next day we had a meeting scheduled with the Palliative care team to talk about care for our little bambino. We have known for some time that he would probably not live for long after birth and we discussed what we might like to happen once he was born. A couple of weeks earlier we had discussed the possibility of having a vaginal birth, but that opportunity was fast becoming something that could not occur. We also talked about the risks involved holding off on having a caesarean too.

 

At that appointment we were given a few options of what to do. All were as shitty as the next. We discussed it with our Doctors and made a decision about what we would do. We set a date to have our bambino and the way he would be born, which involved a complicated and risky procedure in order for some of the fluid to be released from his brain before he was fully born. We were uncertain whether he would survive the procedure.
Our little Bambino Isaac Elliott Spilsbury was born on Monday 29th April at 10.03am

8 and a half weeks early. He was 41cm and weighed 2.11kgs. He had beautiful black hair and a bright blue eye. Big feet like his Daddy.

Tim baptised him and we had 20 of the most precious minutes with him before he passed into eternal life. We were able to have Issac with us in our room and loved on him, cuddled, kissed and stroked his beautiful soft skin-the softest skin I ever did kiss. (We were able to do this because of a fantastic invention called a cold cot that the hospital has, it was wonderful to be able to have Isaac with us for a couple of days while we spent time with him, loving on him, bonding and telling him how much we loved him)

We are utterly heartbroken and we miss him so much. He is the greatest gift we have ever been given and we look forward to the day we get to hold him again. The hurt that I feel at this time is so great that these first few days have been the hardest of my life. We know there will be lots to come before the darkness clears.

I'll be taking a break from Lozalicious to spend time with my beloved Tim and to start the healing of our hearts. I hope I'll see you again sometime xx

 We are so Thankful to have these photos, credits to Heather from Heartfelt photography (theatre photos) and Rachel for the family photos
Footprint photo taken by me

This Weekend

We went to Tumby Bay on the weekend for our church camp. I'd visited Tumby Bay once before for an afternoon but this is the farthest west Tim has ever been. I had a really relaxing time (Tim did to an extent but it was technically work for him...but he had a nice time too!) The campsite we were at is right on the beach. we went for a walks, played board games, a few people started and finished an 1000 piece puzzle. I got to make some pom poms for a new project. We got to get to know some of the people at our new church a bit better which was really great. I also got to help Tim with some creative ideas for the worship we had on Sunday which went really well, and I really enjoyed helping and being creative in that way again. It reminded me of the work I used to do and how much I used to enjoy that work. Here's some photos of the weekend.

project # 17 28 Projects

Perhaps this should have been the 28 bunting projects! :) I've said it once...twice...however many times it's just so fun and easy. And when there are little babies on the way and a whale themed nursery I can't help myself! 

 And when I found this cute whale fabric at spotlight it all fell into place.

This bunting is on it's way to Gladstone for our nephew who will be making his way into the world in a couple of weeks time (his 3 sisters have some bunting that I have made them...I didn't want him to feel left out ;)

I have at least 2 other bunting projects to share with you before these 28 projects are done!

#52 Lists

Games I like...I actually missed a couple important ones...500 and Settlers of Catan!

And this weeks Good things to bake...

What do you enjoy baking? or playing?

Project 16 #28 Projects

 And this mirror I bought when I was at Uni...I had obviously started painting it and never finished it. I wrote the "Stop procrastinating and start participating" one day when I was trying to write an assignment..I think...how ironic! 

It didn't take much to fix and paint her up (using the same paint I used with my desk...hoping it doesn't chip like my desk has...I'm thinking it'll be ok...less wear and tear!) I did actually start painting this at the same time as my desk...but life got in the way!

 I'm not sure whether I'll hang on to it long term...we have so many mirrors in our new place. Each room has built in wardrobes and all have at least one mirror panel. AND the dining room has a floor to ceiling mirror in it. There is a room outside next to the shed which we have made the "music room" eg it's got Tim's base amp and my drums in it :) perhaps it can go in there for now :)

the finished product...

and a little peak at bambino

so this is project 16...clearly I didn't get the 28 projects done before my 29th birthday...but I am going to keep going until I get them done! I've got quite a few up my sleeve! Stay tuned!

Happy Easter

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A Very Happy Easter to you and yours!

Go Op shopping...

 I was in a funk on Thursday morning. I got up on the wrong side of the bed...I had been thinking I needed to  check out the op shops properly so I took the chance to do it Thursday. I'd been to two just to have a quick look, but there were another two I really wanted to check out...and they did NOT disappoint!

We have been watching How I met your Mother...we borrowed seasons 1-4 from the library and had been working our way through it in the evenings. It makes us laugh and forget our troubles for a little while. We finished them on Wednesday night. And what would I find when I was scouting the Vinnies...season 5 and 6! for $3 each! so great!

And then all these other treats. Head scarf, abacus, wax paper, wool, a tupperware container, a tea cozy, doilies and pillow cases (which may turn into bunting!) It was a good morning...and it set me back $20...that wax paper was 10 cents a roll! I love country op shop prices!

a hug

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I read a blog post ...a couple of weeks ago about grief, supporting friends through grief and an idea called afsoarss. Sophie spoke about how in Pakistan there is a word that describes grieving and empathizing with friends it's called "making afsoarss" She said there doesn't seem to be an English equivalent.  The way I understood it is just sitting and being with your friend who is grieving  Not necessarily saying anything just being.  I'd never heard of the word afsoarss before, but the idea of it resonates with me quite strongly in this time as we go through this time not knowing what is going to happen for our bambino. 

In many ways we are grieving. It's a difficult time for us at the moment. We get different information at different times, we don't know what the future is going to hold for our baby. We have to travel to and fro and we are away from our family and friends. We are meeting new people but we aren't to a point in a relationship when you just know each other and don't have to say anything, people want to say nice things but sometimes they end up being a bit awkward, and they say it because they want to be nice and to make them feel better...or feel like they are doing something to help...does that make sense?

A number of years ago a close friend from high school lost her beloved Dad to cancer. I had lost family friends but not someone close like my Dad. I had no idea what to say to her. So I told her that. I don't know what to say, but if there is anything I/we can do let us know and gave her a hug. She told us what she needed and we did it. You can do that with close friends. It doesn't have to be awkward. You don't have to fill the silence with meaningless words, but just be with each other and comfort, make a cup of tea if that's what they need.

I've got to a point where talking about it is easier but it's still pretty exhausting. It's a time to be and just sit and have a hug.

#52lists

Things that make you feel cozy...

a great list to as it comes into Autumn. This week actually felt like autumn for a few days ;) We had a late rush of hot days, so it's been pretty summery still. But it was nice to think about all the things that make me feel cozy in preparation. What are some of the things that make you feel cozy?

xx

cute jumpers

I was reading this post a couple of weeks. And saw this very cute jumper. It's from OASAP, which I had never come across before, and I thought with my birthday approaching it would be a lovely present for Tim to buy me for my birthday ;)

It arrived in the post yesterday and it is just lovely. Granted I probably won't be able to wear it until much later in winter...because of my expanding belly but I just could not go past the hearts on the elbows! 

And as something a little special they added in this lovely necklace, which will go very nicely with my new cute jumper.

Have you done any online shopping recently?

#52lists...Good things to have for Breakfast

This is one of my favourite lists yet

25 weeks @ 29 years

It was my birthday yesterday...I turned 29...and our bambino turned 25 weeks. I haven't taken a lot of bump photos. For some reason I feel a bit awkward taking them myself, I always seem to get a funny angle, but Tim just couldn't say no to me yesterday so we got some cute ones! 

I had a wonderful day, probably the best I have had in a while. Tim cooked a delicious breakfast (with a lot of the things I included in my #52lists of good things to have for breakfast...which I will post eventually!), I got 3 skype dates in with some very precious people and a lovely day over all.

My sister in law is pregnant with her 4th baby! She lives all the way in QLD and a lovely friend put these photos together of our bumps! I just love it! Thank you Rachel 

an update on our bambino

Another update on our little bambino...
Hi Friends,

Thank you so much for all the lovely emails, text messages, voicemails, cards etc we have received over the last few weeks. Apologies for the people I haven't got back to via email...I started emailing people back a couple of weeks ago...and it just got too much, but please know we received them and we really appreciate your prayers and love.

We have had a few more appointments since last we emailed. We had the heart Echo and the structure of the heart is pretty "normal" it's more to the middle of the chest which could be caused by a couple of things (smaller lung on the left or diaphragmatic hernia on the right, but they can't be sure) but generally they were happy with the heart. We received some partial results a few days after the successful amnio (on Feb 26th) saying that they had not found indicators for Trisomy 13 or 18. (there were only 2 chromosomes at 13.18 and 21) Which was emotionally confusing, as we didn't know what it meant for life expectancy. That began the waiting game of not really knowing what the heck was going on. We went to Adelaide for a check up with the specialists yesterday (12th March). Hoping the full results of the amnio might shed some light on what was going on. We also met with a Genetics Doctor (Dr Barnett) and Genetics counsellor. Unfortunately the full amnio results didn't show anything else, other then it is not a chromosonal issue.  Dr Barnett told us about another test called an ARAY test (more comprehensive) they can do with the amnio fluid they took, that test is done in Melbourne and hopefully we'll hear something from that in a couple of weeks. But Dr Barnett said it is more than likely we will not know what is going on (have a diagnosis) until bambino is born. He has a list of things is could be due to the abnormalities but he said he'll give that to us after the results come back from the ARAY. It's a probability we'll be meeting with them a bit in the future to talk about implications for future bambinos...but we're putting that to the deal with later pile.

So the crux of it is we don't really know what is going on or what will happen in the future for our bambino. And that it is a wait and see thing...which is tough. So we are taking it day by day. In the ultrasound we had done yesterday bambinos head is measuring a couple of weeks bigger than it should, this is due to the fluid on and in the brain, and they want to keep a close eye on it. On April 2nd we'll go back down to Adelaide and we're booked in for a another ultrasound and an MRI. We're also going to meet with a neonatal doctor to talk about care for bambino post birth and they were talking more along the lines of palative care. 

We're pretty low at the moment but we're enjoying being in our new home and own space, and of course even on the hard days Tim can still make me laugh :) We thank you for your support and would really appreciate your continued prayer support in these coming weeks

xx

Love Loz and Tim

#52 Lists

A couple of really fun lists over the past few weeks...Favourite words. I was reminded by my lovely Clare that I had maybe forgotten a couple, Donnybrook and Doodle Strudel...she was quite right ;) 

And a list from a few weeks ago, favourite flowers. I realised later the light was a bit cruddy on this one, and perhaps red pen wasn't the greatest idea! (So if you find it hard to read my list says; Double sunflowers, Gerberas, Lisianthus, Lavender, Sunflowers, Roses, Poppies, Geraldton Wax, Kangaroo Paw, Oriental Lillies, Protea, Tulips and Ranunculas)

You a list maker? Check out Pip's place for more!

Project 15 #28 Projects...a small vegie patch

Tim and I were very excited about moving into a bigger place...a house with a garden. We talked a lot about planting vegies so that we could eat them! I really wanted to plant Basil because I really enjoy making pesto and I don't know about you, but when you buy Basil from the supermarket you usually don't need to use it all and then it shrivels before you get to use the rest.

So the day after our bad news we went to the local nursery and bought sweet potato, corn. broccoli, carrots, of course the basil and a peach tree. We prepared one of the empty garden beds in our back yard and got to planting. We were a bit nervous they would die because it was pretty hot the first few days after we planted them. But when we got back from Adelaide from our appointments one of the lovely ladies from church had been watering them. The Basil in the pot is going great guns. I'm looking forward to picking some and making some delicious pesto. It's a pretty humble vegie patch but it is fun going out every few days to see how much they have grown...and to see if any caterpillars have been eating the leaves...

Do you have a vegie patch at home? What do you like to grown?

14...#28 Projects

I finished this scarf on Monday...while having a very lazy day chain watching Homeland. It was rather wonderful actually. It was relaxing but a bit odd to be crocheting because I felt quite hot...even though I do knit/crochet all year round I do tend to get more "into it" during winter.

 

(as a side note I got my hair trimmed yesterday and I am quite happy with my fringe...it'll end up sweeping within the week BUT for now I am happy to say that I would go back!)

My lovely sister showed me how to do this and it ended up being very simple! It took me way longer then it should have...I kept forgetting the stitches I needed to do Ha! But I got into the groove and really enjoyed it. I think I might make another one in grey in a lighter wool.

 

The only downside that it is quite heavy and I'm not sure how cold it gets here in Whyalla...but we'll see. It is really fun and ticks off number 14 of the 28 projects...half way...and only a week and a half til my birthday...

And I even threaded the end bits in straight away...well the next day and the wool is so thick it took quite a bit of coaxing through the eye...and then I snapped it...whoops! looks like I have a trip to Spotlight to get a new one before the real knitting season starts ;)