Project 29- Pom Pom wreath

Can it be true!? I made it to 29 projects...only 9 months after my 29th birthday!

Truth be told I actually completed this some time ago...I got fancy and made some Christmas presents this year and thought (just in case those family members still read my blog) I better not post the photos ;)

I was inspired by a pom pom wreath I saw on this ladies Instagram and thought...I'm making me one of those.

This was a super easy and enjoyable project...it took a little bit of time making the pom poms but if you stick on your favourite Christmas movie and make them while you are watching that, you're done in no time at all. I used whatever yarn I already had in my stash and then tired the pom poms to a piece of circular plastic I cut. (The plastic I had from a print I had received in the post).

I'll take this moment now to say

Christmas blessings to you and yours. Thank you for stopping by this little part of the internet, every comment means a lot. Especially after the sadness we have experienced this year. It's meant a lot to know you've been keeping us in your thoughts.

See you in the New Year for what I hope is a much, happier, peaceful and less emotional year 

xxx

capture your grief part 2

These are the last of the photos I took for the capture your grief project back in October xxx

21

I'm a bit slow in posting this...

my baby sisters turned 21 a couple of weeks ago. 

It's hard to believe. I remember parts of the day they were born. Jek (my other sister) and I were being looked after by the neighbours. They came into the world quickly by emergency cesarean 1 minute apart. I remember when Dad came back to tell us they had arrived he bought some Hungry Jacks...but only for him...for some reason I always remember that, obviously important to an 8 year old! I had my first taste of champagne in a shot glass. I didn't like it much.

I'm proud as punch. They are two of the best I know

Happy Birthday little ladies 

xxxx

Project 26 and 27- The Dachshund addition

This cute bunting made it's way to London in August for a friends birthday...

and I made these using a pattern from some pj pants I had split in the bum (they were about 5 or 6 years old! well loved) I was so grateful for a lady I know from church who owns a over locker to sew the pants with. I feel like they could last for some time! 

Only one more project to blog about :)

Ps...thank  you all who have come here and left beautiful comments. It really means a lot to have you reach out and support in this time xxx

"normal"

If you've been reading lozalicious for a while you would have read about our precious bambino Isaac and all the troubles we had. I wrote a few times here about our journey to parenthood and the heartache we had since Isaac passed away. After Isaac was born we decided we would have an autopsy because throughout my pregnancy the doctors didn't know what Isaac's diagnosis was or why all his problems had happened. We hoped we could get some answers from the autopsy. It showed some answers but didn't point to any one syndrome or diagnosis so we agreed to do genetic testing. The first test for Baller-Gerold was sent to The Netherlands and we received the results back a couple of months ago and it came back "normal" meaning it was unlikely that what Isaac "had" was not Baller-Gerold. Dr Chris our geneticist, sent away to test another gene that can show the Baller-Gerald syndrome. We got those test results back last week and that one came back "normal" as well. So it was sort of no news...well it was and it wasn't. When we first found out Isaac had so many issues, we began a roller coaster of emotions, that we haven't really gotten off yet. I also held some hope that things would be different, that the doctors had it wrong and that Isaac would survive and be a healthy baby that we would bring him home and see him grow up. But after he died I guess those hopes moved to having a diagnosis so that we could know what we were up against for the future. And if I'm completely honest I hoped for news that would say what Isaac had...whatever it was, was a complete stoke of bad luck and it will never happen again. I hoped that we would get some news like that...that we could have that guarantee it would never happen again...but that's la la land. And it isn't going to happen. At least the "good news" is that it isn't a Baller Gerold- which was a 1 in 4 chance of happening again. Which would have been heartbreaking. But not knowing anything...and perhaps when we try and have another baby again just rolling the dice and giving it a go and having those torturous 12 weeks, 15 weeks, 20 weeks til ultrasounds to wait and see how the baby has formed and to see if it's all happened again...it's a bit complicated...but that's our life right now. SO we try and focus on the positives...I started a new job about 6 weeks ago. My sister is moving to our town next year with her graduate nursing position...and we are planning a nice holiday to Thailand. And hopefully when we are ready to add to our family again we won't have to go through this again...

#capture your grief

On the 2nd of October really early in the morning I found myself on the bus on my way to Adelaide with my dear friend who had been staying with me in Whyalla. I thought I would quickly check Instagram and saw that one of my fellow bereaved mumma's was taking up this photo challenge...I had been thinking about joining a photo challenge for October and this seemed like a really appropriate one for me. So below are the photos I have taken so far xx

    

 

 

 

 

 

 (Day 15 (October 15th) was wave of light in honour of "Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness day")

 

 

seven

seven year ago on this date a couple of friends said why don't you start a blog.

So I did...

SO many things have happened in 7 years and it spins me out that it has actually been that long. It is a humble little place where I have shared craft projects...once or twice, thoughts about work, new job prospects and babies, major moves, utter heart break and shear joy. There has been ebbs and flows of how often I have been here to write but I have enjoyed writing and sharing at this little part of the internet.

As I sit typing this I have a very special friend visiting from Alice Springs and I am awaiting a text to say this little boy is a big brother.

Here's to many more years of Lozalicious. Thanks for joining me on this journey!

Project 25- A Mothers love

Sometimes it is hard living 400kms away from where Isaac is buried. We decided to have him buried in Adelaide because we know we won't be living in Whyalla for ever. Some days I would really like to be able to just go and see his grave, whenever I felt like it, not just when we are in Adelaide. When we went down for our follow up appointments we went to the cemetery and arranged to have a plaque made for Isaac's grave.

  

Before we went down for those appointments I made a cross to put by his grave so it wasn't unmarked. A lot of the other babies graves had crosses, or toys or little keepsakes. I used a couple of rulers and nailed them together, painted it blue and printed out Isaac's name and then used a varnish type substance to coat the cross and protect it from the weather. The lion was a gift from Isaac's cousin

I was pretty happy with the result and it definitely did the trick to mark Isaac's grave. It was also something really special I could do as his Mummy for him. I think sometimes parents (who actually get to bring their children up) forget all the things they 'get" to do for their kids. It was nice to be able to honor and love Isaac in this way. The little cars were a gift from Isaac's grandpa.

Last visit we had to Adelaide we were pleased to see that the plaque had been finished and put on his grave. We had known it was there before we got to the cemetery as a number of our family has been to visit Isaac and sent us pictures. 

So now that Isaac's plaque is there we bought the little cross home and I put it in the Garden just today. Where we planted our original vegie patch the day after we had our scan telling us all the troubles Isaac had. 

...so only 3 more projects left!

bind up

Image source

Psalm 147:3

This verse is something special for me. 

It came up out of the blue about 5 years ago. A child hood friend -Kenny was killed in very tragic circumstances. He was stopped by the side of the road one night to change a flat tyre. He was hit by a car and killed. I heard about it somehow and wanted to send his Mum a card. Kenny's Mum and his brothers had lived across from us in our culdesac when we were kids. There were 4 boys in his family and 4 girls in ours. We used to play after school, their driveway was really steep and we used to ride our bikes down it...or just run down it and yell like lunatics! We had a lot of fun. I had a bit of a crush on Kenny. I thought he was a bit of a dream boat...I was about 8 and I think he was 10. He was always very kind to me and I had a lot of fun memories of playing outside, climbing trees...before play stations and before our family owned a computer. 

This verse jumped out to me when I was writing to Kenny's Mum all those years ago. I can't even remember what I wrote and I definitely didn't know what I know now. I hope it was a help to her and not too clumsy. I hope she feels like her wounds were bound as she grieved for her son, I haven't seen her since Kenny's accident.

It then came up again recently. My sister wrote me a lovely card with this verse in it. Tim and I have often talked about having a wound that is so deep and raw. Being a few more months along in our grief journey it is a comfort now...It came at the right time. Earlier on I think I may have been a bit mad at reading it. But looking back I can see how my wounds were bound and how they continue to be bound. 

And then of course it came up on the Pocket fuel Instagram one day a couple of weeks ago and I felt like it was for me!

As a side note We've had a few very hectic weeks. We've spent some time away from home. One week in Adelaide for Tim to attend a conference. And then a quick trip up to QLD for Tim to officiate at a friends wedding. He did such a good job. I was so proud of him. We met our nephew and hung out with our nieces...I also got offered a job...but I'll talk about that another time!

happy birthday big brother

This isn't the first time someone in our family has lost a child. My Mum and Dad lost their first son Stuart.

Tomorrow would have been his 32nd birthday.

He was born a very healthy and happy baby, but at 6 months things started to change. He had a hermangioma that was somehow connected to the blood vessels in his brain. Stuart passed away at 13 months old with complications from hydrochehalus (which is something that Isaac suffered from in the womb). I've thought of Stuart regularly in my life but more often over the past few months, especially since Isaac was born. And even more this past week as Stuart's birthday approached. I guess I have had thoughts of how will I feel in 32 years about Isaac? I have wondered many times what Stuart would have been like. What would Stuart have enjoyed? What would he have been good at? Would he be allergic to anything? Would he have traveled? Would he be married? Would he have some kids of his own? What would he have trained in and done for work? Would he be a righty or a lefty? (as in handed!) Would we have been good mates? I hope so.

Just thinking about these questions has bought tears to my eyes. 

These situations,Stuart and Isaac, are so very different but the wound of loosing a child is so great. Sometimes it has helped to have someone so close to me who has also experienced loosing a child.

If I'm honest...the idea of Stuart and Isaac being in heaven is comforting...but not the idea of them being together. I'd rather them be here with us on earth. That Mum and Dad didn't have to loose their son...and that we didn't have to loose ours. 

About a month ago I was feeling like we were making some progress with our grief. But the last 2 weeks it seems like we have taken a lot of steps back. As we wait to hear back about genetics testing, as we attend our first wedding without Isaac (a wedding of Tim's best mate...when we saw them at the start of the year, soon after their engagement, I was really looking forward to being a family of 3 and working out what it was like to go to an event like that with a small child), as we just go through the motions of each day, as I make sense of what it is I'm meant to be doing with myself in this next little while (other than the obvious of  healing). Sometimes I have too much time to think over things. There are so many thoughts clanging around in my head...I just need to get them out sometimes...

Mum and Dad came and stayed the night here a couple of weekends ago. I had found a photo of me around the same age that Stuart is in the photo above and I put them together and told Mum I thought we looked alike. She agreed. I like that I looked like my brother. That I can carry that part of him with me always. I wish I had met Stuart and got to know him. I look forward to meeting him...one day. 

Happy Birthday Big Brother xxx

(If this post feels a bit all over the place...it's because my thought are just all over the place!)

28 Projects catch up

I've had a bit of time on my hands since Isaac's birth. Sometimes this has been absolute torture. Not knowing what to do with myself. To begin with I was still in lots of pain, physically. Some days I just didn't have the motivation to do the things I used to enjoy. That is slowing changing, some days I still feel like I just want to curl up in bed and read, and I do. But more and more I feel like I can handle some craft. It might not make sense to some people, the idea of not being able to handle crafting...especially for me when I have enjoyed being creative in the past. As I feel stronger I am starting to enjoy it again. My psychologist suggested I have a creative outlet during this time. It has turned out to be quite therapeutic. 

These following projects are one I completed before Isaac was born.

On our weekend away on the church camp, Tim and I prepared some activities for the worship time on the Sunday. Everyone received a stripe of fabric. The idea was that people would think about someone special to them, pray for them and then write that persons name on the fabric. This was before Isaac and our nephew Joshua was born, I wrote their names on my fabric.Tim invited everyone to bring the fabric forward and place on the cross. The paper pinned to the cross were people's confessions. They wrote down something that was on their mind/heart, and then bought it forward and pinned it to the cross. (For confidentiality Tim suggested people take time to think about their confession and write a letter on the paper that would represent their confession)  

It was a really meaningful and reflective time. And it was a fun and quick project, it included Tim suggesting we go to Spotlight! I also enjoyed helping Tim organise this too.

Another bunting project...for my sisters 21st birthdays...coming up later in the year. 3 lots each in different sizes.

For Easter (and a birth present) I embroidered some face washers for our nephews...I even did one for Tim.

...perhaps this should have been 28 bunting projects... Since returning home after Isaac's birth I made this bunting for our nephews first birthday.

 I also made 2 sets of bunting for Isaac. One set is draped over a dressing table in our entry way with some precious gifts given to him

the other is on the door to the room that would have been his...

 A bigger project we undertook was painting the entry way and hallway of our home.

before...Tim and Trevor working hard...I helped too :)

After...A little less of that green! The space feels so different and light now, it's fantastic. It changes the whole feeling of the space. We are going to do a few of the other rooms in the coming months.
SO that makes...24 projects
only 4 to go...

Beyond Closure: Nancy Berns at TEDxDesMoines

If you have a spare 17 minutes, I'd really encourage you to watch this. A number of weeks ago a dear friend but this on her facebook feed. I got around to watching it and it is so profound. I've just watched it the once and when I was finished I was sobbing. Nancy hits the nail on the head.

this weekend

When we found out we were moving to Whyalla, I knew I'd be away from old friends and would have to make some new ones...no biggie I've done it before. I was looking forward to hooking into some groups with small children and getting to know the people in our community. Then things turned topsy turvy and those ideas were put aside. I didn't have the energy to go out of my way to forge new relationships, especially people with small children.

Before we moved here I met Lisa...It's a bit of a random tale how Lisa and I came to know each other...it was through the blogging community but it turns out we have a 6 degrees of separation thing going on (which isn't unusual for SA)

It turns out we are in towns an hour away from each other. We caught up earlier in the year and then we finally got to hang out again on Saturday. Lisa drove over to my place and we sat, drank tea and chatted. And then we chatted some more and went to Spotlight and the lovely second hand store owned by the lovely Irish lady. 

She's a quality girl and it's nice to have a new friend (relatively) close by :)

last weekend

Joy in amongst grief
These 3 lovelies came and visited last weekend it was one of the nicest weekends in a long time...since before February 15th .

I enjoyed showing them around our new town.
The op shops, the cafe's...you know the important things
It was so lovely to have them here
xxx