happy birthday big brother

This isn't the first time someone in our family has lost a child. My Mum and Dad lost their first son Stuart.

Tomorrow would have been his 32nd birthday.

He was born a very healthy and happy baby, but at 6 months things started to change. He had a hermangioma that was somehow connected to the blood vessels in his brain. Stuart passed away at 13 months old with complications from hydrochehalus (which is something that Isaac suffered from in the womb). I've thought of Stuart regularly in my life but more often over the past few months, especially since Isaac was born. And even more this past week as Stuart's birthday approached. I guess I have had thoughts of how will I feel in 32 years about Isaac? I have wondered many times what Stuart would have been like. What would Stuart have enjoyed? What would he have been good at? Would he be allergic to anything? Would he have traveled? Would he be married? Would he have some kids of his own? What would he have trained in and done for work? Would he be a righty or a lefty? (as in handed!) Would we have been good mates? I hope so.

Just thinking about these questions has bought tears to my eyes. 

These situations,Stuart and Isaac, are so very different but the wound of loosing a child is so great. Sometimes it has helped to have someone so close to me who has also experienced loosing a child.

If I'm honest...the idea of Stuart and Isaac being in heaven is comforting...but not the idea of them being together. I'd rather them be here with us on earth. That Mum and Dad didn't have to loose their son...and that we didn't have to loose ours. 

About a month ago I was feeling like we were making some progress with our grief. But the last 2 weeks it seems like we have taken a lot of steps back. As we wait to hear back about genetics testing, as we attend our first wedding without Isaac (a wedding of Tim's best mate...when we saw them at the start of the year, soon after their engagement, I was really looking forward to being a family of 3 and working out what it was like to go to an event like that with a small child), as we just go through the motions of each day, as I make sense of what it is I'm meant to be doing with myself in this next little while (other than the obvious of  healing). Sometimes I have too much time to think over things. There are so many thoughts clanging around in my head...I just need to get them out sometimes...

Mum and Dad came and stayed the night here a couple of weekends ago. I had found a photo of me around the same age that Stuart is in the photo above and I put them together and told Mum I thought we looked alike. She agreed. I like that I looked like my brother. That I can carry that part of him with me always. I wish I had met Stuart and got to know him. I look forward to meeting him...one day. 

Happy Birthday Big Brother xxx

(If this post feels a bit all over the place...it's because my thought are just all over the place!)

28 Projects catch up

I've had a bit of time on my hands since Isaac's birth. Sometimes this has been absolute torture. Not knowing what to do with myself. To begin with I was still in lots of pain, physically. Some days I just didn't have the motivation to do the things I used to enjoy. That is slowing changing, some days I still feel like I just want to curl up in bed and read, and I do. But more and more I feel like I can handle some craft. It might not make sense to some people, the idea of not being able to handle crafting...especially for me when I have enjoyed being creative in the past. As I feel stronger I am starting to enjoy it again. My psychologist suggested I have a creative outlet during this time. It has turned out to be quite therapeutic. 

These following projects are one I completed before Isaac was born.

On our weekend away on the church camp, Tim and I prepared some activities for the worship time on the Sunday. Everyone received a stripe of fabric. The idea was that people would think about someone special to them, pray for them and then write that persons name on the fabric. This was before Isaac and our nephew Joshua was born, I wrote their names on my fabric.Tim invited everyone to bring the fabric forward and place on the cross. The paper pinned to the cross were people's confessions. They wrote down something that was on their mind/heart, and then bought it forward and pinned it to the cross. (For confidentiality Tim suggested people take time to think about their confession and write a letter on the paper that would represent their confession)  

It was a really meaningful and reflective time. And it was a fun and quick project, it included Tim suggesting we go to Spotlight! I also enjoyed helping Tim organise this too.

Another bunting project...for my sisters 21st birthdays...coming up later in the year. 3 lots each in different sizes.

For Easter (and a birth present) I embroidered some face washers for our nephews...I even did one for Tim.

...perhaps this should have been 28 bunting projects... Since returning home after Isaac's birth I made this bunting for our nephews first birthday.

 I also made 2 sets of bunting for Isaac. One set is draped over a dressing table in our entry way with some precious gifts given to him

the other is on the door to the room that would have been his...

 A bigger project we undertook was painting the entry way and hallway of our home.

before...Tim and Trevor working hard...I helped too :)

After...A little less of that green! The space feels so different and light now, it's fantastic. It changes the whole feeling of the space. We are going to do a few of the other rooms in the coming months.
SO that makes...24 projects
only 4 to go...