happy birthday big brother

This isn't the first time someone in our family has lost a child. My Mum and Dad lost their first son Stuart.

Tomorrow would have been his 32nd birthday.

He was born a very healthy and happy baby, but at 6 months things started to change. He had a hermangioma that was somehow connected to the blood vessels in his brain. Stuart passed away at 13 months old with complications from hydrochehalus (which is something that Isaac suffered from in the womb). I've thought of Stuart regularly in my life but more often over the past few months, especially since Isaac was born. And even more this past week as Stuart's birthday approached. I guess I have had thoughts of how will I feel in 32 years about Isaac? I have wondered many times what Stuart would have been like. What would Stuart have enjoyed? What would he have been good at? Would he be allergic to anything? Would he have traveled? Would he be married? Would he have some kids of his own? What would he have trained in and done for work? Would he be a righty or a lefty? (as in handed!) Would we have been good mates? I hope so.

Just thinking about these questions has bought tears to my eyes. 

These situations,Stuart and Isaac, are so very different but the wound of loosing a child is so great. Sometimes it has helped to have someone so close to me who has also experienced loosing a child.

If I'm honest...the idea of Stuart and Isaac being in heaven is comforting...but not the idea of them being together. I'd rather them be here with us on earth. That Mum and Dad didn't have to loose their son...and that we didn't have to loose ours. 

About a month ago I was feeling like we were making some progress with our grief. But the last 2 weeks it seems like we have taken a lot of steps back. As we wait to hear back about genetics testing, as we attend our first wedding without Isaac (a wedding of Tim's best mate...when we saw them at the start of the year, soon after their engagement, I was really looking forward to being a family of 3 and working out what it was like to go to an event like that with a small child), as we just go through the motions of each day, as I make sense of what it is I'm meant to be doing with myself in this next little while (other than the obvious of  healing). Sometimes I have too much time to think over things. There are so many thoughts clanging around in my head...I just need to get them out sometimes...

Mum and Dad came and stayed the night here a couple of weekends ago. I had found a photo of me around the same age that Stuart is in the photo above and I put them together and told Mum I thought we looked alike. She agreed. I like that I looked like my brother. That I can carry that part of him with me always. I wish I had met Stuart and got to know him. I look forward to meeting him...one day. 

Happy Birthday Big Brother xxx

(If this post feels a bit all over the place...it's because my thought are just all over the place!)

28 Projects catch up

I've had a bit of time on my hands since Isaac's birth. Sometimes this has been absolute torture. Not knowing what to do with myself. To begin with I was still in lots of pain, physically. Some days I just didn't have the motivation to do the things I used to enjoy. That is slowing changing, some days I still feel like I just want to curl up in bed and read, and I do. But more and more I feel like I can handle some craft. It might not make sense to some people, the idea of not being able to handle crafting...especially for me when I have enjoyed being creative in the past. As I feel stronger I am starting to enjoy it again. My psychologist suggested I have a creative outlet during this time. It has turned out to be quite therapeutic. 

These following projects are one I completed before Isaac was born.

On our weekend away on the church camp, Tim and I prepared some activities for the worship time on the Sunday. Everyone received a stripe of fabric. The idea was that people would think about someone special to them, pray for them and then write that persons name on the fabric. This was before Isaac and our nephew Joshua was born, I wrote their names on my fabric.Tim invited everyone to bring the fabric forward and place on the cross. The paper pinned to the cross were people's confessions. They wrote down something that was on their mind/heart, and then bought it forward and pinned it to the cross. (For confidentiality Tim suggested people take time to think about their confession and write a letter on the paper that would represent their confession)  

It was a really meaningful and reflective time. And it was a fun and quick project, it included Tim suggesting we go to Spotlight! I also enjoyed helping Tim organise this too.

Another bunting project...for my sisters 21st birthdays...coming up later in the year. 3 lots each in different sizes.

For Easter (and a birth present) I embroidered some face washers for our nephews...I even did one for Tim.

...perhaps this should have been 28 bunting projects... Since returning home after Isaac's birth I made this bunting for our nephews first birthday.

 I also made 2 sets of bunting for Isaac. One set is draped over a dressing table in our entry way with some precious gifts given to him

the other is on the door to the room that would have been his...

 A bigger project we undertook was painting the entry way and hallway of our home.

before...Tim and Trevor working hard...I helped too :)

After...A little less of that green! The space feels so different and light now, it's fantastic. It changes the whole feeling of the space. We are going to do a few of the other rooms in the coming months.
SO that makes...24 projects
only 4 to go...

Beyond Closure: Nancy Berns at TEDxDesMoines

If you have a spare 17 minutes, I'd really encourage you to watch this. A number of weeks ago a dear friend but this on her facebook feed. I got around to watching it and it is so profound. I've just watched it the once and when I was finished I was sobbing. Nancy hits the nail on the head.

this weekend

When we found out we were moving to Whyalla, I knew I'd be away from old friends and would have to make some new ones...no biggie I've done it before. I was looking forward to hooking into some groups with small children and getting to know the people in our community. Then things turned topsy turvy and those ideas were put aside. I didn't have the energy to go out of my way to forge new relationships, especially people with small children.

Before we moved here I met Lisa...It's a bit of a random tale how Lisa and I came to know each other...it was through the blogging community but it turns out we have a 6 degrees of separation thing going on (which isn't unusual for SA)

It turns out we are in towns an hour away from each other. We caught up earlier in the year and then we finally got to hang out again on Saturday. Lisa drove over to my place and we sat, drank tea and chatted. And then we chatted some more and went to Spotlight and the lovely second hand store owned by the lovely Irish lady. 

She's a quality girl and it's nice to have a new friend (relatively) close by :)

last weekend

Joy in amongst grief
These 3 lovelies came and visited last weekend it was one of the nicest weekends in a long time...since before February 15th .

I enjoyed showing them around our new town.
The op shops, the cafe's...you know the important things
It was so lovely to have them here
xxx

time

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I had one of those days today where I just didn't know what to do with myself. 

I thought many times about doing something I enjoyed, sewing, knitting, going for a walk...but just couldn't get the motivation up to do anything but a load of washing and watch some TV I'd missed during the week. When I did finally get the motivation to do something I baked a cake. A recipe I have used a number of times. For some reason the consistency was different and I couldn't figure out why, I had added all the ingredients. I decided to just leave it as it was and put it in the oven. It took ages to set and I ended up getting it out a bit earlier then I though I should. It was only when I took the cake out of the oven I realised I had put double the amount of butter...250grams instead of 125grams...bummer.

I find I'm pretty hard on myself on these sorts of days, feeling like I should(could?)be getting things done. This usually happens after a few "good" days. We had a really nice weekend. One of my sisters (and her husband) came to stay with us. It was really nice to have them here. Jek and I spent some time moving some things around in the house. My crafty space is in another area of our house now and it works so well, I have found myself going into the space a number of times just to sit and enjoy the space. It's off of our kitchen and I can see into the space when I am at the sink. In time I think I am going to enjoy creating in that space.

After Jek and Dave left we started painting our entryway and hallway so that distracted me from them leaving. It took us a couple of days. One for the undercoat and one to paint. It looks so good now. It was a dark green and it made the hall so dark. It is now antique white and it is so different and great. We are looking forward to doing a few of the other rooms too, now that we know what we are doing.

Yesterday I went and had a facial, manicure and pedicure. It was a gift from 3 of my dear friends. It was so lovely and relaxing. I am finding it more and more important to set a few tasks each day, so I'm not at a loose end...being at a loose end doesn't feel very nice at the moment.

Getting back to today...something very nice happened, Tim bought me a beautiful bunch of bright flowers. orange Gerberas, yellow daisies, red roses and a flower I don't know but it is bright and happy. He got them just because. He's so wonderful to me.

My sister in law pinned this photo a couple of days ago and I thought it to be so true and quite comforting, that it is OK that our healing takes time and I don't have to rush. Even when I am having a not so good day and the motivation is lacking, it's all part of my healing process

xx

four on the fourth

 I know for a fact this last 6 months would have been even more unbearable if Tim hadn't been by my side through it all. Cuddling me when I was bawling, a voice of reason in amongst my crazy, his understanding in our grief. Even though it sounds a bit cheesy I feel like if we can endure what we have we can face anything together...I hope we have many more years together

Happy Wedding Anniversary to my love

xxx

the days in between

To begin I'd like to say a heartfelt thank you to all your lovely comments and emails since I last posted in May, We really appreciate your kind words and prayers.

It's been a bumpy couple of months. I've thought about when I may come back to blogging...I have come here to write a post a couple of times. I even hit publish on one of them a few weeks ago but had post remorse...if that's even a thing and then reverted it to draft a few minutes later...It was about how to help parents who are grieving, what to say to them and what not to say. I think it was after a day where someone had told me they knew exactly how I was feeling, having lost Isaac...because her daughter had lost a baby...she meant well but I'm not going to go into that. It wasn't the right time to come back. I have missed writing and from time to time I would read some of my favourite blogs...but it seems like everyone was pregnant, having babies...it was too much for me...some days it's still too much.

Since I was last here, we have been trying to start healing from the loss of our Isaac. Tim had a number of weeks off work and we went on a couple of small trips close by in South Australia, it was nice to be away and to stay in our pjs and eat chocolate and chain watch big bang theory. We stayed in Adelaide for a number of weeks until we had Isaac's funeral. But we eventually had to come home. It was hard coming home to Whyalla after being in Adelaide for so many weeks, around our family. Our house felt so big and empty...and I just didn't really know what to do with myself...

I have been seeing a psychologist which has been really helpful. She suggested I set little goals for myself each day. To start off with I set goals like get up and have a shower. She also suggested for me to create something special while I grieve Isaac. I haven't chosen one big project but I have been doing small projects to pass the time. I've also been doing a lot of reading. Some days that's all I could do. I've read some fiction and some books on grief; A force of Will by Mike Stavlund, Choosing to See by Mary-Beth Chapman, and a couple of books written by Bonnie Babes and Pregnancy loss Australia. The last two have been really helpful. They give accounts of other families who have lost babies and how life is for them now. I've shed a lot of tears while reading these books but it was good to let the pain out. I've also watched and listened to programs about grief. Radio National had a program on last week about still birth...which is different to what we experienced but I resonated with a lot of what the couple being interviewed said they felt. 

We had our follow up appointment with Isaac's doctor last week and it was a bit confronting. We had an autopsy done on Isaac because we never knew what had happened to our little bambino, and we weren't sure if it could/would affect future babies. The pathologist found a number of things in the autopsy that the doctors hadn't been able to find when Isaac was in my womb. It was hard to hear all these things but it also gave us peace about making the decision to deliver him at 31 weeks. Many times over the past couple of months I have wondered did we do the right thing. And from what we were told last week, yes we did. Our little Isaac never had a chance...if we had of waited he wouldn't have had a better chance, there were too many things that had gone wrong with his development. It was hard news to hear. But the harder news is that the pathologist and the geneticist were still unsure of Isaac's condition. 

They think it may be one of 2 things. One of them is a condition called Baller-Gerold syndrome . Dr Chris ("our" geneticist) isn't 100% convinced it's Baller-Gerold but there is a gene test to see if Isaac carried the gene for this syndrome. It's a test that is done overseas and will take 2-3 months for the results. We are anxious to find out whether it is this syndrome or not because if it is, the likelihood of this happening again to future babies is 1 in 4...so now we wait...some more. If it's not Baller-Gerold then Dr Chris thinks it is something called Disorganisation Sequence (which there isn't a gene test for), which should never happen again...if it is this then what happened to Isaac was a random stroke of bad luck.

It was Isaac's due date on Friday (28th June) which was very hard..actually that's and understatement, it was a horrible day. I was all over the place. Thankfully I had booked in to see my psychologist that day. It really helped me turn my day around. (Just as a side note I am a big advocate of people seeing a psychologist or counsellor if you've experienced some sort of loss, or are finding it hard to deal with life...if really helps talking things through with a professional who won't give you crappy token advice). It feels like getting through that day was a big step in our grief process. I do still feel very numb to life...the pain is still there but it's changed somehow...it's hard to explain. We are having more "good days" but grief is a funny thing and it can catch up with you when you least expect it. 

I'm not sure what Lozalicious is going to be in the future, I may even start a new blog to talk about my grief of lossing Isaac, and I don't know how often I'll be here but I hope I'll find enjoyment in blogging again like I used to...and I look forward to visiting all your corners of the net again too 

xxx

(the beautiful flowers are ones we received after Isaac was born)

Isaac Elliott

We came down to Adelaide on the Monday 15th April for Tim to attend a couple of conferences. We also had a few appointments to attend for bambino while we were here. On Wednesday 16th we had a check up ultra sound and our bambino's head had reached full term size (when the rest of him was at 30 weeks) This was due to the fluid on his brain not being able to drain. Our anxiety levels got pretty high that afternoon while we watched the screen and talked with our Doctor afterwards. 

The next day we had a meeting scheduled with the Palliative care team to talk about care for our little bambino. We have known for some time that he would probably not live for long after birth and we discussed what we might like to happen once he was born. A couple of weeks earlier we had discussed the possibility of having a vaginal birth, but that opportunity was fast becoming something that could not occur. We also talked about the risks involved holding off on having a caesarean too.

 

At that appointment we were given a few options of what to do. All were as shitty as the next. We discussed it with our Doctors and made a decision about what we would do. We set a date to have our bambino and the way he would be born, which involved a complicated and risky procedure in order for some of the fluid to be released from his brain before he was fully born. We were uncertain whether he would survive the procedure.
Our little Bambino Isaac Elliott Spilsbury was born on Monday 29th April at 10.03am

8 and a half weeks early. He was 41cm and weighed 2.11kgs. He had beautiful black hair and a bright blue eye. Big feet like his Daddy.

Tim baptised him and we had 20 of the most precious minutes with him before he passed into eternal life. We were able to have Issac with us in our room and loved on him, cuddled, kissed and stroked his beautiful soft skin-the softest skin I ever did kiss. (We were able to do this because of a fantastic invention called a cold cot that the hospital has, it was wonderful to be able to have Isaac with us for a couple of days while we spent time with him, loving on him, bonding and telling him how much we loved him)

We are utterly heartbroken and we miss him so much. He is the greatest gift we have ever been given and we look forward to the day we get to hold him again. The hurt that I feel at this time is so great that these first few days have been the hardest of my life. We know there will be lots to come before the darkness clears.

I'll be taking a break from Lozalicious to spend time with my beloved Tim and to start the healing of our hearts. I hope I'll see you again sometime xx

 We are so Thankful to have these photos, credits to Heather from Heartfelt photography (theatre photos) and Rachel for the family photos
Footprint photo taken by me

This Weekend

We went to Tumby Bay on the weekend for our church camp. I'd visited Tumby Bay once before for an afternoon but this is the farthest west Tim has ever been. I had a really relaxing time (Tim did to an extent but it was technically work for him...but he had a nice time too!) The campsite we were at is right on the beach. we went for a walks, played board games, a few people started and finished an 1000 piece puzzle. I got to make some pom poms for a new project. We got to get to know some of the people at our new church a bit better which was really great. I also got to help Tim with some creative ideas for the worship we had on Sunday which went really well, and I really enjoyed helping and being creative in that way again. It reminded me of the work I used to do and how much I used to enjoy that work. Here's some photos of the weekend.

project # 17 28 Projects

Perhaps this should have been the 28 bunting projects! :) I've said it once...twice...however many times it's just so fun and easy. And when there are little babies on the way and a whale themed nursery I can't help myself! 

 And when I found this cute whale fabric at spotlight it all fell into place.

This bunting is on it's way to Gladstone for our nephew who will be making his way into the world in a couple of weeks time (his 3 sisters have some bunting that I have made them...I didn't want him to feel left out ;)

I have at least 2 other bunting projects to share with you before these 28 projects are done!

#52 Lists

Games I like...I actually missed a couple important ones...500 and Settlers of Catan!

And this weeks Good things to bake...

What do you enjoy baking? or playing?

Project 16 #28 Projects

 And this mirror I bought when I was at Uni...I had obviously started painting it and never finished it. I wrote the "Stop procrastinating and start participating" one day when I was trying to write an assignment..I think...how ironic! 

It didn't take much to fix and paint her up (using the same paint I used with my desk...hoping it doesn't chip like my desk has...I'm thinking it'll be ok...less wear and tear!) I did actually start painting this at the same time as my desk...but life got in the way!

 I'm not sure whether I'll hang on to it long term...we have so many mirrors in our new place. Each room has built in wardrobes and all have at least one mirror panel. AND the dining room has a floor to ceiling mirror in it. There is a room outside next to the shed which we have made the "music room" eg it's got Tim's base amp and my drums in it :) perhaps it can go in there for now :)

the finished product...

and a little peak at bambino

so this is project 16...clearly I didn't get the 28 projects done before my 29th birthday...but I am going to keep going until I get them done! I've got quite a few up my sleeve! Stay tuned!

Happy Easter

source

A Very Happy Easter to you and yours!

Go Op shopping...

 I was in a funk on Thursday morning. I got up on the wrong side of the bed...I had been thinking I needed to  check out the op shops properly so I took the chance to do it Thursday. I'd been to two just to have a quick look, but there were another two I really wanted to check out...and they did NOT disappoint!

We have been watching How I met your Mother...we borrowed seasons 1-4 from the library and had been working our way through it in the evenings. It makes us laugh and forget our troubles for a little while. We finished them on Wednesday night. And what would I find when I was scouting the Vinnies...season 5 and 6! for $3 each! so great!

And then all these other treats. Head scarf, abacus, wax paper, wool, a tupperware container, a tea cozy, doilies and pillow cases (which may turn into bunting!) It was a good morning...and it set me back $20...that wax paper was 10 cents a roll! I love country op shop prices!

a hug

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I read a blog post ...a couple of weeks ago about grief, supporting friends through grief and an idea called afsoarss. Sophie spoke about how in Pakistan there is a word that describes grieving and empathizing with friends it's called "making afsoarss" She said there doesn't seem to be an English equivalent.  The way I understood it is just sitting and being with your friend who is grieving  Not necessarily saying anything just being.  I'd never heard of the word afsoarss before, but the idea of it resonates with me quite strongly in this time as we go through this time not knowing what is going to happen for our bambino. 

In many ways we are grieving. It's a difficult time for us at the moment. We get different information at different times, we don't know what the future is going to hold for our baby. We have to travel to and fro and we are away from our family and friends. We are meeting new people but we aren't to a point in a relationship when you just know each other and don't have to say anything, people want to say nice things but sometimes they end up being a bit awkward, and they say it because they want to be nice and to make them feel better...or feel like they are doing something to help...does that make sense?

A number of years ago a close friend from high school lost her beloved Dad to cancer. I had lost family friends but not someone close like my Dad. I had no idea what to say to her. So I told her that. I don't know what to say, but if there is anything I/we can do let us know and gave her a hug. She told us what she needed and we did it. You can do that with close friends. It doesn't have to be awkward. You don't have to fill the silence with meaningless words, but just be with each other and comfort, make a cup of tea if that's what they need.

I've got to a point where talking about it is easier but it's still pretty exhausting. It's a time to be and just sit and have a hug.

#52lists

Things that make you feel cozy...

a great list to as it comes into Autumn. This week actually felt like autumn for a few days ;) We had a late rush of hot days, so it's been pretty summery still. But it was nice to think about all the things that make me feel cozy in preparation. What are some of the things that make you feel cozy?

xx

cute jumpers

I was reading this post a couple of weeks. And saw this very cute jumper. It's from OASAP, which I had never come across before, and I thought with my birthday approaching it would be a lovely present for Tim to buy me for my birthday ;)

It arrived in the post yesterday and it is just lovely. Granted I probably won't be able to wear it until much later in winter...because of my expanding belly but I just could not go past the hearts on the elbows! 

And as something a little special they added in this lovely necklace, which will go very nicely with my new cute jumper.

Have you done any online shopping recently?