happy birthday big brother

This isn't the first time someone in our family has lost a child. My Mum and Dad lost their first son Stuart.

Tomorrow would have been his 32nd birthday.

He was born a very healthy and happy baby, but at 6 months things started to change. He had a hermangioma that was somehow connected to the blood vessels in his brain. Stuart passed away at 13 months old with complications from hydrochehalus (which is something that Isaac suffered from in the womb). I've thought of Stuart regularly in my life but more often over the past few months, especially since Isaac was born. And even more this past week as Stuart's birthday approached. I guess I have had thoughts of how will I feel in 32 years about Isaac? I have wondered many times what Stuart would have been like. What would Stuart have enjoyed? What would he have been good at? Would he be allergic to anything? Would he have traveled? Would he be married? Would he have some kids of his own? What would he have trained in and done for work? Would he be a righty or a lefty? (as in handed!) Would we have been good mates? I hope so.

Just thinking about these questions has bought tears to my eyes. 

These situations,Stuart and Isaac, are so very different but the wound of loosing a child is so great. Sometimes it has helped to have someone so close to me who has also experienced loosing a child.

If I'm honest...the idea of Stuart and Isaac being in heaven is comforting...but not the idea of them being together. I'd rather them be here with us on earth. That Mum and Dad didn't have to loose their son...and that we didn't have to loose ours. 

About a month ago I was feeling like we were making some progress with our grief. But the last 2 weeks it seems like we have taken a lot of steps back. As we wait to hear back about genetics testing, as we attend our first wedding without Isaac (a wedding of Tim's best mate...when we saw them at the start of the year, soon after their engagement, I was really looking forward to being a family of 3 and working out what it was like to go to an event like that with a small child), as we just go through the motions of each day, as I make sense of what it is I'm meant to be doing with myself in this next little while (other than the obvious of  healing). Sometimes I have too much time to think over things. There are so many thoughts clanging around in my head...I just need to get them out sometimes...

Mum and Dad came and stayed the night here a couple of weekends ago. I had found a photo of me around the same age that Stuart is in the photo above and I put them together and told Mum I thought we looked alike. She agreed. I like that I looked like my brother. That I can carry that part of him with me always. I wish I had met Stuart and got to know him. I look forward to meeting him...one day. 

Happy Birthday Big Brother xxx

(If this post feels a bit all over the place...it's because my thought are just all over the place!)